Ego vs Observer: Shifting our Emotional Perspective

Have you ever given a name to the part of you who feels like she deserves to be abandoned, who’s terrified to slow down, falls back on wine, chocolate, and other substances/activities to numb the pain?

Maybe you’ve not named this part, but she DOES exist. If you get quiet in this moment, you’ll hear her cry, “Notice me! Tell me I’m important, lovable, and good enough for you! Tell me that I matter, dammit!”

Yes, this part is needy and clingy. She probably annoys the hell out of you because she can be pretty loud, complaining, and obnoxious.

If you’re doing anything new that moves you into unknown territory of growth, exploration and risk-taking, she’ll probably get even more difficult to ignore. She will raise the stakes on you.

If it seems weird to talk about yourself as if you have another part living inside, please understand it’s just a part of your unique personality expressing itself.

Observing and Understanding Our “Nellie”

The reason to identify it is so that we become aware of it as the Observer. When noticed, the part who offers us challenging emotions tends to calm down.

I call my part “Nellie the Badass” because she reminds me of the sassy,  spoiled brat, Nellie Oleson, from Little House on the Prairie. So if you were to give your part a name, what would it be?

My Nellie fears that she’s not good enough. She really wants others to like her, and secretly believes she’s too much for others, that she’s selfish and self-absorbed.

And it IS true that Nellie is a bit immature; in fact, she’s probably about 8 or 9 years old. Nellie is very protective of her heart, and she wants to lash out at others and be right at all costs. She’ll argue a point all day long, even if makes herself and everyone around her miserable. She is a fighter, a badass, and won’t back down.

My inner Nellie got especially strong at age 8 when she felt she needed to protect her mom (my mother) from her wife-abusing dad (my father). Nellie was more than happy to take on this role. She also learned to stuff her feelings down with food and not feel her feelings.

Nellie had such a difficult time with feelings, especially disappointment. It definitely wasn’t safe to be vulnerable and admit when she was wrong. So she learned to numb and stuff down these tender feelings.

Why Rein in Our “Nellie”

The problem is that this rebellious Nellie the Badass is pretty ineffective in relationship. And she’s not a good business owner! She can wreak havoc when trying to protect me, causing arguments with my husband, making me fearful of putting myself out there when taking risks in my
business, etc.

We all have a “Nellie” within us. Does she sound familiar to you at all? Maybe not…she’s pretty easy to ignore and avoid because she can feel like a thorn in your side.

She’s probably been causing some problems for you. She convinces you that you are going to be abandoned at the slightest sign of “disloyalty” from another (someone not returning your call, ignoring your text, showing disrespect, making you feel taken advantage of or misunderstood).

She is quite the blamer, not taking responsibility for her feelings. She can’t be wrong because if she is, that would make her unlovable.

She also likes to stay busy because it doesn’t feel safe to slow down. Remember, she doesn’t like to feel her feelings?

I love this reading from a daily reflections book, Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much, by Anne Schaef. This was taken from October 31st, Being Project-less:

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. Spanish proverb

“For many of us the thought of doing nothing is terrifying. We cannot imagine
what life would be like if we were not slaving away at our projects. Not to
have our projects waiting for us is like trying to live with parts missing. We
have become so dependent upon the security of the next project that they
are no longer our projects. We are owned by them.

Workaholics often experience some depression when they complete a task.
Instead of dealing with the natural feeling of letdown, we overlap completion
with a new beginning. Hence, like the relationship addict, we never have to
deal with separation or beginnings and endings. In fact, we never have to
deal with anything.

Perhaps today I could experiment with doing nothing, and resting
afterward.”

We are so immersed in our own feelings and beliefs that until our current reality is more painful than the fear of the unknown future, we will stay put in the status quo.

Our “Nellie” Can Change Through Acceptance

When will it be time or safe enough to feel our feelings and begin to deal with bthem? For my Nellie, I’d say she and I are ready. I love this part of me, no matter what. I appreciate her for her fierce, warrior spirit who wants to protect me. She IS lovable because she is part of me, and Life doesn’t make junk.

All parts of us and all emotions and thoughts are useful because they lead us back to Truth. What is the Truth?

We don’t have to feel abandoned and unlovable because we CAN accept ourselves where we’re at. We CAN begin to deal with our feelings, not numb them out through food and being overly busy.

My bias is that the payoff is much greater than any pain we have to feel to get to this place of nurturing and acceptance of self. The rewards are to really live, allow joy, peace, love, prosperity and fulfillment in our lives. When we begin to feel our worth, we will begin to take proactive action toward a meaningful and happy life.

How to Accept and Release the Grip of “Nellie”

How do we do this? There are many paths, but the one that I love is using a technique called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or tapping). It’s like acupuncture but with no needles.

The idea is that all negative emotion is created by a disruption in our body’s energy system. When we tap on nine specific energy meridians, we are actually rewiring the neural pathways in our brain, creating new thought patterns. When we think differently about ourselves, we feel better, more loving and accepting.

Nellie just wants our attention, and tapping allows us the space and opportunity to love and accept Nellie where she’s at without judgement. When acknowledged, she calms down, and the emotional tug of war and conflict within dissipates. See below for more information.

At Aquarius Wellness, they believe in holistic health, where you take care of your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. When you experience a signature massage with Andrew, you are nurturing all of these parts of you, including “Nellie”!

So book your massage or any of their other wellness services today and begin to experience an integration of all of who you are! Feel into your body and into your emotions, and give yourself permission to enter into a world that naturally allows your thoughts to drift away.

Respectfully,

Angie Monko

Angie Monko is a mindset maven coach, writer, speaker and owner of Harmony Harbor Coaching since 2008. Angie guides her clients to change their mindset through subconscious techniques, such as emotional freedom techniques (a/k/a tapping), hypnosis, and The Healing Codes. By practicing the core values of self-honesty, commitment and responsibility, and applying these techniques, her clients begin to love, accept and forgive themselves, and thus take forward actions towards creating an exciting, healthy, and dynamic life of diverse experiences.

She’s created a class that meets on the 2nd Thursday of each month called Frontier
to Your Freedom
, in which participants tap to deal with their feelings so they can take much better care of themselves. Register here for the next class on 12/14.

Angie’s Contact Information: (314) 422-6520; angie@harmonyharbor.com; www.harmonyharbor.com

Categories: Therapy